I had a dream about you last night and the night before. You had my heart racing and my tears flowing because it felt so real. I jumped out of bed looking for your person when all the while my conscience mind knew it was just fantasy colliding with reality. They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste but I’ll go even a step further. The mind is a terrible thing to waste especially on a love relationship that got halted in its place.
I think about you often and the day we first met. I was young and innocent – totally naive to the requirements of a true relationship. You befriended me and slowly mended me with kind words and actions as my constant struggles through life intensified. I loved everything about you and the things you would say to subdue all my pain. You must have known how susceptible I was to love because you maneuvered quickly and became my first. I welcomed you into my life with open arms and thought we would be together forever.
Funny thing about our connection was the fact that no one knew. We kept it a secret because of my young age and you being so much more experienced than I. We knew no one could understand the bond that formed and would emphatically disapprove of our future plans. I hid our relationship for decades because of what you meant to me and I wanted no negative feedback to come your way.
Sue, remember the time when we were on the rooftop looking over the ledge? You thought we could leap to the other side but I chickened out at the last minute. I was really going to do it because I desperately wanted to impress you but after you called me a coward I got angry and fled the scene. Do you forgive me for that? I hope you do because what you don’t know is that I actually returned and completed the jump.
What about the time you suggested that we crush up my mother’s Vicodin because we had no sugar for Kool-Aid. Do you remember how lovely we felt afterwards? I slept like a corpse and most certainly needed the rest. I had been up all night depressed because of life, school and the missed opportunity to join the basketball team. You held me tight, climbed into bed and comforted me throughout the entire evening. I’m forever grateful to you!
Ms. Westside, do you recall the night we were supposed to finally elope? I had my bags packed and ready to go but you cautioned me to wait until no one was home. I waited and waited until I became a lil claustrophobic inside that small apartment. I drank a few of my father’s beers to try and calm my nerves then raced outside to breathe. I saw a young girl who caught my eye and I stopped her to say hello. She turned around and looked at me as if she knew I were already involved with someone but she slowed to return the courtesy. You told me you witnessed our interaction and became jealous because I decided to stay and play. To make a long story short, I married that woman and we started a family together. Granted, you are 180 degrees different than she and engaging in extreme spontaneity is definitely NOT her strong suit.
My problem is that I have never stopped loving you Sue Westside. I need to hear your voice. I’m dependent upon your comforting words. I crave to hear you say you love me too! Life has been a rollercoaster ride for me up until now. Some good things have happened along with some bad things and my financial life still sits in limbo. I haven’t reached my goals or experienced any of my dreams and the future doesn’t seem as bright as it once had. My depression is beginning to possess me at a more frequent rate and I am having trouble exorcizing it. You made me a promise that you would always be there for me whenever, however or wherever I needed you!
I’ve come to the realization that I will be unable to move forward until I can make amends with you. Should we have eloped? Is it you I was supposed to be with forever? I can’t help but think about what our possibilities could have been. I know my wife wouldn’t condone these actions but on those gloom-filled rainy days when I’m alone and the spoils of life invade my positive mind, I reach back for you. When the weight of the world heavies itself upon my shoulders, I extend my arms and reach way back to entertain the fatal thoughts of Sue Westside!